Lost at Sea

I’ve finally come to the surface

Fuck me, I am lost at sea,

And I am too far away to be rescued

Sunlight sparkles on these mocking waves

I chase this dream

of feeling the sun on my face once again.

 

“You will out ride this storm”

 

What happens if I am the storm,

And I cannot remember how to contain it again

Lightning strikes scars across me,

I could be hit at any time

I could lose control

 

People only truly love destructive beauty

When it is out at sea, and

Cannot hear it scream

and remind them of their own fragile lives.

 

 

 

K. Thwaites

The Drowning

My Father told me

That drowning was the nicest  of the ill fates a man could face

I spent my young years

Pondering how knowing you are going under

Is a kind and gentle death.

 

But now I am in my twenties

And my mouth is vaguely above the surface

Of my own misery

I’ve come to learn that one isn’t always at sea when

They are overwhelmed by the waves.

 

 

We are sometimes unaware

We are under the surface

Until we try to breathe,

Until we break free

And feel the air on our face again.

 

I’ve become a master

Of holding my breath

When I am

Lost at sea.

 

 

K. Thwaites

Unforgotten Ghost

Loneliness isn’t not always your companion at 3am

Sometimes it hits you when it’s 9.39pm

The ghosts of goodnight kisses

Haunted by a lack of a heartbeat

Washing waves in time with yours.

 

Or it’s a memory of a painting

Of how you believed things to be.

Hands spinning in an endless circle,

Grains of sand monitoring

Your lacking passion.

 

The weight of the numbness

Holding down your air born heart.

An anchor keeping you in

The same place at sea.

 

With no lighthouse to guide you home.

The clock has chimed midnight,

and the spell hasn’t worn off.

Master of magic, a charming curse.

 

Unforgotten ghost, haunting halls

elsewhere

How I wish you would come home.

 

K Thwaites

Being shy and what it’s like for me

Hey friends,

I have always been shy, ever since I was a little kid. I remember clinging to my mum when she tried to make me go off to a group of kids and make friends. And in all honesty, I’ve not gotten much better as a woman in her mid twenties.

When I was younger, I hated being in a group and only knowing one or two people out of the whole group. I used to feel so awkward, and never sure of what to say. If there were more stronger, confident characters in the group, I used to shrink into myself and not say a lot at all. I hated it when we had to stand up and do something in front of the class by ourselves. LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT PUBLIC SPEAKING. Honestly, knowing that we were going to have to read something out in class would make me feel sick.

As I got older, I didn’t seem to grow out of it. Being hit by depression and self-harm in my teens intensified the shyness. I remember this one time I had to stand up and read a short essay about my idols, and how crippled I felt by my shyness. I read the entire thing without stopping, and almost threw myself into my seat afterwards. I do remember a lot of my class being unusually supportive, and being somewhat kind.

The only thing I have ever gone and done without knowing anyone who was going to be there, was applying for college. I cannot tell you how brave and accomplished I felt for doing so! The best thing about it? When it came to my audition (I was applying for music) I felt so shy that I made the guy who was interviewing me turn around whilst I played the drums. I find this hilarious to talk about now, but at the time I was so embarrassed of how shy I was. On the first day of college, I found out that one of the guy in my little gang of friends was also going to college. I thought it was fab having someone to walk in with, until I realized that he was walking in the same direction as myself. I asked him if he happened to be on the music course, which he did.

College had done wonders for my confidence, which in turn helped my shyness. I was thankfully put in a band that only had one strong character, who turned out to be a total babe once you go to know her. The other 4 members were chilled AF, really cool about the fact that I was quiet and didn’t really talk. There was one member who had turned and talked to me on the very first day, and we found that we had a love of Busted in common, and ever since we have been firm friends. James really brought me out of my shell and helped me to become friends with everyone else.

I’ve been the same with work. Always super quiet until I get to know my job, and know the people working there. I’ve also only had one job where I didn’t know anyone who worked there, until they hired another girl in my year later a few weeks !

 

What I am trying to say in the mad ramblings is that at almost 26 years of age is that I still struggle with being shy and just how much I feel like it holds me back. I am continuously searching new ways to help me fight against it.

I always get reminders of how shy I am. When the dubsmash app came out, I remember a friend sitting in my living room videoing herself doing it, whilst I sat there amazed at how she wasn’t shy about doing it at all. That is the kind of thing I wouldn’t even do alone! I can cope with photos, but filming is a no go unless I’m 4 pints down. The same friend was organizing a birthday surprise for her boyfriend where we had to video ourselves saying happy birthday and telling a favourite memory of us and send it to her. I couldn’t do it, and that’s when I realized enough is enough.

The only thing that works so far is getting drunk, and that just isn’t practical! I’ve even bought myself a camera to try and start filming myself talking to try and help. I recently went to a march against fox hunting, and I couldn’t film myself talking about it after, in a massive city in which no one knows me. I’m determined to overcome this. I have realized that confidence plays a part in how badly I suffer with my shyness, so I’m taking steps in building my confidence. I am hoping that this will improve this a little, although I think I will always be shy, it’s just a part of who I am.

 

Just know if I don’t seem to talk to you but talk to others I know, I am not ‘aloof’ or ‘arrogant,’ I just haven’t found a subject that I feel I can talk easily to you about without completely taking over, or I haven’t drunk enough! I am not purposely being rude, I am just terrible at making friends! Also, please bare that in mind next time you meet someone who is quiet and suffers terribly from resting bitch face like myself. Don’t take it personally, and don’t presume we don’t like you.

 

Peace and light x

50 things we need to remind ourselves/ remember.

  1. It’s perfectly fine if you didn’t go to university.
  2. It’s also okay if you didn’t get good grades in school
  3.  Sometimes it’s WHO you know, not what you know that gets your foot in the door.
  4. If you break up with your long term partner when you’re in your late twenties it doesn’t mean you’ll be on the shelf forever. You’re hot. You’ve still got it.
  5. A lot more of us have no fucking idea what we’re doing. You’re not the only one.
  6. If you have no idea who you are, welcome to the club. A lot of us have been here for ages but have kept it on the down low.
  7. Being unmarried and childless does not mean you’re unsuccessful.
  8. If you haven’t found your dream career, relax. Your time will come.
  9. If you’re a lady who approaching 30 and still haven’t had kids, at least one person will tell you that your biological clock is ticking. And you’ll want to beat them with that fucking clock.
  10. Not everyone grows out of their weird little quirks (or in my case personality.) Weirdness comes into fashion. Your time will come, and you’ll be so authentic everyone will want to be like you.
  11. Your fashion will come into fashion
  12. Don’t let people belittle you because of your age.
  13. Or gender.
  14. Or your sexuality.
  15. Do that one thing you’ve been dreaming of but scares you. It will be the most fucking fantastic thing and it will do wonders for you.
  16. Your mental health matters.
  17. Spending time on making your self better, instead of travelling, does not mean you’ve been wasting your time.
  18. YOUR. HEALTH. IS. IMPORTANT.
  19. Don’t wait until things are at breaking point before you get help. It can make it so much harder to make yourself better.
  20. Your physical health is also important.
  21. Go spend time with that friend. You never know if they will still be here by the end of the year.
  22. You’re going to realise that when you thought you were fat you weren’t.
  23. And as you get older the weight will be easily put on and will be hard to loose (for a lot of us.)
  24. What is right for us will make some people unhappy. If they really love you, they will try to be happy for you and accept the situation.
  25. Some of your closest friends will change, and you will leave them behind.
  26. You might fall in love with someone who is completely different from anyone you’ve ever dated and it will be magical AF.
  27. It’s never too late to travel.
  28. Don’t stay in a relationship you’re unhappy in. It’s never too late to go, and life is too short to spend it miserable.
  29. Don’t let your pain take away your kindness and your sensitivity.
  30. But loss and pain of a friend or family member can change your outlook on things, and make you realise the small stuff really doesn’t matter.
  31. Not everyone you meet will like you. And that’s fine.
  32. Don’t take crap for and from anyone.
  33. Don’t make major changes to yourself just to make someone happy. Fuck that.
  34. You are always stronger than you realise.
  35. Learn to love yourself
  36. Being selfish for your own being is being selfless to yourself. You have to put yourself more often than you do.
  37. Try not to say things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to someone you love.
  38. Try not to say things about strangers or to strangers that you wouldn’t say to the people you love.
  39. Not everyone is as happy as they make out on social media.
  40. Take a break from the internet every now and then. Especially when your on holiday.
  41. The amount of followers you have on social media does not dictate your worth, your beauty and who you are as a person.
  42. Neither does your weight.
  43. Seriously, if weighing yourself makes you sad, bin the bloody thing.
  44. Give that random person that compliment you was thinking. You never know, they might of just needed to hear it.
  45. If your friends make you feel sad/ embarrassed for being you, dump them.
  46. Friendship break ups exist and they are just as sad as relationship break ups.
  47. Enjoy yourself at every opportunity.
  48. Life is too short to spend it miserable
  49. Take photos of those happy times.
  50. Live a happy and memorable life.