Lost at Sea

I’ve finally come to the surface

Fuck me, I am lost at sea,

And I am too far away to be rescued

Sunlight sparkles on these mocking waves

I chase this dream

of feeling the sun on my face once again.

 

“You will out ride this storm”

 

What happens if I am the storm,

And I cannot remember how to contain it again

Lightning strikes scars across me,

I could be hit at any time

I could lose control

 

People only truly love destructive beauty

When it is out at sea, and

Cannot hear it scream

and remind them of their own fragile lives.

 

 

 

K. Thwaites

Flowers in the Spring time

Delicate flowers,

Fragile daisy chains

You pluck the petals of my soul,

Love me, love me not.

 

Give me your latest excuse

I’m cold and I’m listening

Your words are dying embers on this fire

And I’ve been trying to keep warm

This winter has been a long season my dear.

 

Promises and flowers perish

In the cold chambers of you

But flowers have this charming

Way, of sprouting when the

Cold is never ending.

 

I’ll learn to love again,

as sure as flowers

in the springtime.

 

 

K. Thwaites

 

 

Little Lighthouse

Heartbeats skipping hopscotch rhymes

Sands of time, turn over

And over until we are not counting the days but

Counting multiples of sixty seconds

Until we are land ho and home

I was in danger of crashing into

The jagged edges of my own misery

Then you returned and brought with you

The light I needed and now

I can see with more

Than just my eyes, little Lighthouse.

 

K. Thwaites

Home

I’ve wandered in search of home

A place I could call my own,

Gazed at the moon,

In foreign lands,

Searched for it in the faces of others,

Looked at the stars

Trying to work out where I needed to be.

 

Alphabet mish-mashes,

A compass leading me to

Where I should of gone

When I discovered adventure.

I looked up, discovering

The home I had been looking for

Has always been you.

 

 

K. Thwaites

Unforgotten Ghost

Loneliness isn’t not always your companion at 3am

Sometimes it hits you when it’s 9.39pm

The ghosts of goodnight kisses

Haunted by a lack of a heartbeat

Washing waves in time with yours.

 

Or it’s a memory of a painting

Of how you believed things to be.

Hands spinning in an endless circle,

Grains of sand monitoring

Your lacking passion.

 

The weight of the numbness

Holding down your air born heart.

An anchor keeping you in

The same place at sea.

 

With no lighthouse to guide you home.

The clock has chimed midnight,

and the spell hasn’t worn off.

Master of magic, a charming curse.

 

Unforgotten ghost, haunting halls

elsewhere

How I wish you would come home.

 

K Thwaites

Wildfire Heart

The sweetest of hopes, the bitter goodbye.

Match stuck, the stake is lit,

Time to watch the burning witch.

No doubt you’ll be unable to tear your eyes away.

The greatest show on earth.

And a show is what I’ll put on.

I have no doubt you’ll be watching through your

Fingers, expecting me to burn.

But I am the daughter of Leo,

And you cannot burn a girl

Who has been blessed with

A wild fire heart.

 

 

K. Thwaites

The Japan Plan – My rough ideas for my dream trip

Hello friends

On the 19th of this month (TOMORROW FREAKING TOMORROW) I am finally going to a place I’ve been dreaming of going to for years- JAPAN! I am going with my Mum for two weeks, travelling to 3 places and trying to cram in as much as possible without killing each other or ourselves in the process. So welcome to my Japan Plan!

 

Departure

I fly with my Mum on the 19th October. We are flying with Emirates at 2.30 in the afternoon, with a stop over in Dubai. We land at Narita Airport at 5.35 (UK time I believe, Japan is 8 hours ahead of us.)

 

First Stop: Narita

We land in Narita, and we are spending two nights here: Friday 20th and Saturday 21st October. We are staying at Hotel Keisei Narita-Ekimae, which is just under 9km away from the airport. We are travelling to the airport by shuttle bus I believe (pray for us) which is roughly a ten minute journey if Google maps is not lying to us (it probably is.) We are spending two nights here to get our bearings, and to explore a shrine or two that are here. I’m super excited to explore this town, from what I’ve seen in pictures online it looks peaceful and beautiful. When Mum and I started planning our trip we decided to fly into Narita, but were unsure of if we was going to stay here for a long time or not. We originally planned to stay here long term, realised how mad we was for deciding this and decided to stay for two nights instead.  The one shrine I would really, really like to go and see on one of these days is Naritasan Shinshoji. It looks beautiful from what I’ve seen online, and the gardens look amazing! There are bars and restaurants near to this shrine that are supposed to be amazing, so it would be really cool if we can check them out as well!

 

Second Stop: Osaka

 

After our few days in Narita we move onto the furthest point of our trip: Osaka! We are using the bullet train to travel to Osaka, which is going to take a goof few hours, but it is an experience. You cannot come to Japan and not use the bullet train! We are staying in Osaka from Sunday 22nd October to Wednesday 25th October at Sarasa Hotel Shinsaibashi. There are a few things that we want to do in Osaka, but the main thing we are doing is taking a day trip to Nara, and I cannot tell you how freaking excited I am about that! For years I have wanted to go to Nara and feed the tame deer that bow to you for a biscuit, and to know that I am finally going to do the one thing I’ve been wanting to do is so damn amazing. I am actually going to cry tears of happiness! Another thing that my Mum and I really want to see is Osaka Castle and the grounds around it. Osaka Castle looks beautiful and something that a lot of people that have been to Osaka recommend doing. We also plan to try and check out Minoo Park, Sumiyoshi Shrine (which we are planning on seeing on the same day that we see the castle,) and Hozenji Yokocho AKA Alleyway of Wonders. Hozenji Yokocho is something I stumbled across by accident when looking for things to do, and after seeing someone call it the Alleyway of Wonders I was intrigued! There are bars, eateries and at the end there is a statue of the kami Fudomyoo. Fudomyoo is the kami of fury, and scares people into enlightenment with his scary appearance. The statue is super mossy from all of the water that has been poured over him, and moss is repected in Japan (there’s a random fact for you!)

 

Onwards: Kyoto

From Osaka we move onward to Kyoto, arriving at Japaning Hotel Kiyomizu Gojo on Wednesday 25th October, and leaving Monday 30th October. I can’t remember what part of Kyoto (North, East, South, West and Central) our hotel is based in.  We intend on seeing as much as we can so I’ll break down our plan for each area we plan on visiting. We know we won’t get to see everything on this list, but we like having a variety of places to explore.

Northern Kyoto: We really want to see Kamo-Shrine, Sanzenin Temple, Takao/ wooden valley, Kibune and Kurama. Kibune and Kurama are two small villages north of Kyoto tucked up in the mountains. They are rural, supposed to be quiet, beautiful and lovely places to spend a day walking around. Takao, the shrine and the temple are another places that we are visiting for the scenery, to soak up the sights and just admire. The temple has a moss garden, and is supposed to be beautiful during the autumn season.

Central Kyoto: There is only one thing we want to see in central Kyoto, and that a market that is supposed to be huge, and just wonderful to walk around and look at. I cannot remember the exact name of what the market is called, if we do visiti I’ll make a note of the name and let you know if my follow up blog!

Western Kyoto: In western Kyoto we were to see Kokedera, which means “Moss Temple.” There are some beautiful gardens at Kokedera, but you have to reserve visiting via mail, which we didn’t realise until it was too late unfortunately.

Southern Kyoto: In southern Kyoto there are two temples and a shrine that we would love to try and see. We want to see Fushimi Shrine, which is famous for it’s torii gates, which follows trails into a wooded forest. The shrine is one of several dedicated to Inari, the Shinto god of rice. Fox statues are across the ground as the foxes were thought to be Inari’s messengers. Tofukuji Temple is supposed to be beautiful to catch the autumn leaves, which we are hoping we will! Daigoji Temple is a world heritage site, and includes a whole mountain side!

Eastern Kyoto: Eastern Kyoto is home to Shinnyodo Temple, Nanzenji Temple,Eikando Temple, Gion and Higashyama district. Higashiyama is home to traditional old Kyoto, where there are narrow lanes, wooden buildings and traditional merchat shops lining the streets. I am really hoping we get to explore this district!We want to visit the temples for beautiful scenery, but Eikando is especially famous for how beautiful it looks in the Autumn season, and its evening illuminations. Gion is a famous geisha district filled with ochaya (teahouses,) shops and restaurants where Geishas (geiko in Kyoto dialect) and maiko (geiko apprenntices) entertain.

 

Whilst we are in Kyoto we also want to try and attend a tea ceremony, try on Kimonos and visit Arashiyama Bamboo Grove if we have the chance. I know there is a lot on this list, but I want to let you know just how much there is to possibly explore in this area if you are wanting to visit Kyoto. There are so many temples, shrines and traditional areas to explore, it’s really difficult to chose where to visit!

 

The final stop: Tokyo!

From Kyoto we will travel to our final place on our visit: Tokyo! You cannot come to Japan and not experience Tokyo! We will book into Hotel Wing International Select Asakusa Komagata (yes, seriously that is the name) on Monday 30th October until the day we fly back home, that being Monday 2nd November.  IT MEANS WE’RE IN TOKYO FOR HALLOWEEN BABY! One of the main reasons I wanted to come to Tokyo is that my friend is living in one of the small town areas in Tokyo with his wife, anad apart from the flying visit from him just over a week ago, its been two years since I’ve seen them! We’re hopefully going to meet up, get drunk and he’s going to show us around some cool little placces and areas he has found in his time living there. The one thing I really, REALLY want to do is visit the Pokemon Centre. I am a little pokè nerd, and I’ve been wanting to visit one of these shops since I found out that they existed! My Mum wants to visit the Metro Politician Government Building Observation rooms, which is supposed to be real neat for getting good views across Tokyo! We have no plan set in stone for what we are doing to do, I think we are going to see what is going on around us! We’re staying in Asakusa, which is a quiet part of old Tokyo, and according to my friend, is going to be lovely for seeing things that are off the tourist track and finding things that not everyone will see.  We decided to stay here as it isn’t in the middle of the madness, and for how close it is to my friend. We don’t have a set plan for Halloween either, again we are going to see what is happening around us. The only thing we didn’t want to do for Halloween is spend it in an area that was going to crazy and have people packed in like Sardines. No thank you! I am so excited to spend Halloween in Japan however, and check out all of the cute lil Halloween decorations, just experience something different and spend either Halloween or the day after with my friend.

 

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my Japan Plan, I’ll be posting a follow up blog with pictures (expect ALL OF THE PICTURES) that I will more than likely post in two parts.

See you in two weeks friends!

 

Peace and light

Keri xo

Being shy and what it’s like for me

Hey friends,

I have always been shy, ever since I was a little kid. I remember clinging to my mum when she tried to make me go off to a group of kids and make friends. And in all honesty, I’ve not gotten much better as a woman in her mid twenties.

When I was younger, I hated being in a group and only knowing one or two people out of the whole group. I used to feel so awkward, and never sure of what to say. If there were more stronger, confident characters in the group, I used to shrink into myself and not say a lot at all. I hated it when we had to stand up and do something in front of the class by ourselves. LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT PUBLIC SPEAKING. Honestly, knowing that we were going to have to read something out in class would make me feel sick.

As I got older, I didn’t seem to grow out of it. Being hit by depression and self-harm in my teens intensified the shyness. I remember this one time I had to stand up and read a short essay about my idols, and how crippled I felt by my shyness. I read the entire thing without stopping, and almost threw myself into my seat afterwards. I do remember a lot of my class being unusually supportive, and being somewhat kind.

The only thing I have ever gone and done without knowing anyone who was going to be there, was applying for college. I cannot tell you how brave and accomplished I felt for doing so! The best thing about it? When it came to my audition (I was applying for music) I felt so shy that I made the guy who was interviewing me turn around whilst I played the drums. I find this hilarious to talk about now, but at the time I was so embarrassed of how shy I was. On the first day of college, I found out that one of the guy in my little gang of friends was also going to college. I thought it was fab having someone to walk in with, until I realized that he was walking in the same direction as myself. I asked him if he happened to be on the music course, which he did.

College had done wonders for my confidence, which in turn helped my shyness. I was thankfully put in a band that only had one strong character, who turned out to be a total babe once you go to know her. The other 4 members were chilled AF, really cool about the fact that I was quiet and didn’t really talk. There was one member who had turned and talked to me on the very first day, and we found that we had a love of Busted in common, and ever since we have been firm friends. James really brought me out of my shell and helped me to become friends with everyone else.

I’ve been the same with work. Always super quiet until I get to know my job, and know the people working there. I’ve also only had one job where I didn’t know anyone who worked there, until they hired another girl in my year later a few weeks !

 

What I am trying to say in the mad ramblings is that at almost 26 years of age is that I still struggle with being shy and just how much I feel like it holds me back. I am continuously searching new ways to help me fight against it.

I always get reminders of how shy I am. When the dubsmash app came out, I remember a friend sitting in my living room videoing herself doing it, whilst I sat there amazed at how she wasn’t shy about doing it at all. That is the kind of thing I wouldn’t even do alone! I can cope with photos, but filming is a no go unless I’m 4 pints down. The same friend was organizing a birthday surprise for her boyfriend where we had to video ourselves saying happy birthday and telling a favourite memory of us and send it to her. I couldn’t do it, and that’s when I realized enough is enough.

The only thing that works so far is getting drunk, and that just isn’t practical! I’ve even bought myself a camera to try and start filming myself talking to try and help. I recently went to a march against fox hunting, and I couldn’t film myself talking about it after, in a massive city in which no one knows me. I’m determined to overcome this. I have realized that confidence plays a part in how badly I suffer with my shyness, so I’m taking steps in building my confidence. I am hoping that this will improve this a little, although I think I will always be shy, it’s just a part of who I am.

 

Just know if I don’t seem to talk to you but talk to others I know, I am not ‘aloof’ or ‘arrogant,’ I just haven’t found a subject that I feel I can talk easily to you about without completely taking over, or I haven’t drunk enough! I am not purposely being rude, I am just terrible at making friends! Also, please bare that in mind next time you meet someone who is quiet and suffers terribly from resting bitch face like myself. Don’t take it personally, and don’t presume we don’t like you.

 

Peace and light x