Sense of self

I had never given any thought to how I flit from hair colour to hair colour, never taking to a style longer than a year or so. I  believed it was a quirk of mine, but I was completely at ease with it.Then I watched Emma Blackery’s video on her lack of sense of self, and there was so many things I could relate to: how my music taste and general behaviour  is influenced by whatever I have seen online and fallen in love with, how I generally drift through different friendship groups (bar that one particular group, I love you my little weirdos) and how I cannot stop going through fazes of liking different things.

The easiest way to describe it is that it’s like being a shape shifter, a chameleon, an indecisive fuck, a beautifully blank canvas.

Let’s start with the clothing crisis, the one being that I CANNOT MAKE UP MY FUCKING MIND ON WHAT CLOTHES I SHOULD WEAR. I constantly flip flop from wanting to look all dark and mysterious through to wanting to be a super cute real like anime character (I have problems, I am aware.) Band t-shirts, flannel shirts, playsuits, 50’s style shirts, skinny jeans, big baggy ‘skater’ jeans, you name the style, I’ve probably worn it aaaaaaaaaaaand sadly got the pictures as proof. I thought it was something my young self was going through as I tried to work out who I was, what I felt fitted me perfectly.

Ten years down the line I’m in my mid twenties and still unable to decide on what I want in my wardrobe. Yeah,  SURE changing it up is nice and all, but I wish I could settle on a ‘base’ style and work around that, from the girly days to the comfy days. I keep throwing them fashion turds at the wall, and hoping I find one that sticks. So far, I seem to have a little bit from almost every style that I try to weave into my everyday look. I am trying to relax about not really dressing like a lot of my friends or people I follow online, and trying to stick to what I like at the time. The only definite factor in my style is that I like alternative fashion.

Back when I was an unhappy teenager, all I wanted was to be happy and confident. Now I’m happy,  I can’t decide on a dream to chase, something that I think I would love to do. I’ve flipflopped from photographing gigs, to making a body positive page to modelling, back to photographing. I’ve enjoyed them all, but nothing keeps my interest for long. I guess when I find that thing I will know, for now however it’s difficult to keep up with myself and what directions my passions are taking. Even as I am writing this blog, I am flip flopping from idea to idea.

Making choices about what I wanted to learn was also something I really struggled with. My GCSE choices were french (I sucked) music (because I’ve always loved it) and geography (I thought I would learn exotic things about our world, not about the bloody weather.) I went behind my Mum’s back and chose music as a choice instead of something that would help me with a career, much to her disappointment. And I pretty much failed all of them, but that story is for another time. After school, I went to college and chose music again because I couldn’t do the course I wanted due to a lack of GCSE grades and because if in doubt or stuck, just drum and hope for the best, which is how I actually got into the course. I am grateful that I ended up on that music course, as it gave me the confidence boost I needed, a wonderful group of friends, one in particular that I am still friends with and adore and it’s left me with some memories that still make me laugh at the antics we used to get up to. I do sometimes wish I could of decided on something permanent and studied really hard and gone to uni, but I am fine with the path I have taken, and what I’ve learned along the way instead. I’ve never had a permanent dream, yet I am never staying in the same place hoping it will come to me. I am chasing it, blindly, but I am moving regardless.

I’ve come to learn that I have such a wide taste in fashion, music and hobbies because of the many different individuals that have influenced me in my life. Different friendship groups have given me many different memories and experiences and I really appreciate that. Thank you guys, for making me the varied person that I am.

Not really knowing what I want to look like or who I am to be is a strange yet marvellous thing. I am exploring so many different directions and done many things that I might not of had I not been indecisive with myself. Here’s to the next faze in my life.

Laters, xo.

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